How to be More Assertive – A Guide for Trainers & Assessors

When we are assertive, we…

• Express our own feelings and opinions confidently
• Say no without feeling guilty
• Set our own priorities

Sounds easy doesn’t it?

However, many of us struggle with being assertive due  to a lack of self confidence, being unsure how to communicate our message effectively or a fear of upsetting others.

Learning how to be assertive can help us to build confidence in how we communicate with others. And we mean communicate verbally, in writing and our body language.

Just by learning how to use language positively and politely, for example, saying “no” to a request to work over hours: “I’m sorry, I can’t work then, I need to prioritise my family, I hope you understand”

The Essence of Assertiveness

Alright, let’s chat about assertiveness.

It’s one of those skills that sounds super straightforward on paper, but when it comes to actually living it out, well, it can feel like trying to thread a needle from inside a moving car!

So, what’s the essence of being assertive?

At its core, assertiveness is about striking that perfect balance between expressing your own needs, feelings, and opinions, and respecting those of others.

It’s not about being a pushover but also not about ignoring everyone else’s needs to get what you want. Think of it as the Goldilocks of communication: not too passive, not too aggressive, but just right.

Being assertive means you’re confident enough to say what you need to say, but you’re doing it in a way that is still respectful and considerate the feelings of others.

For example, if someone asks you to take on extra work when you’re already swamped, being assertive allows you to say:

“I understand this is important, but I’m already at capacity with my current projects. Can we find another solution or adjust the deadline?”

See what happened there?

You didn’t just cave and say yes, but you also didn’t snap back with a flat-out no.

You have just expressed your situation clearly and respectfully.

Why We Struggle with Assertiveness

Learning to be assertive is kind of like learning a new language. It feels foreign at first, maybe a bit uncomfortable, but with practice, it starts to flow more naturally. It’s about using language that’s both positive and polite, maintaining your boundaries without building walls, and, most importantly, respecting both your own rights and those of others.

First off, let’s talk about the big, noisy elephant in the room: fear. Fear of rejection, fear of conflict, fear of being seen as “difficult” or “demanding.”

We’re wired to avoid making waves, even if it means sacrificing our own needs and wants.

It’s that internal voice that whispers, “What if they don’t like me anymore?” or “What if I end up alone because I stood up for myself?”

Then there’s also the matter of how we were raised and the cultural backdrop we come from.

Some of us grew up in environments where being vocal about our needs was met with punishment or anger. We were taught to prioritise harmony over personal satisfaction, to always think of others first, and to view any form of self-advocacy as selfish or rude.

And let’s not forget about our good old friend, self-doubt. This niggling feeling loves to question our worth and right to speak up.

It’s like having an internal critic that constantly asks, “But do I really deserve to ask for this?” or “Am I being unreasonable?”

Self-doubt makes us question our value and, by extension, our right to assert ourselves.

There’s also the issue of skill – or rather, the lack of it.

Assertiveness isn’t something that’s typically taught in schools (though, honestly, it should be). Many of us don’t know how to be assertive because we’ve never learned how.

And, of course, there’s the challenge of misunderstanding what assertiveness really is.

Some fear that being assertive means being aggressive, but there’s a world of difference between the two. Assertiveness is about respect—both for yourself and others—while aggression is about winning at someone else’s expense. It’s a delicate balance, like carrying a full cup of coffee without spilling a drop.

So, why do we struggle with assertiveness? It’s a mix of fear, upbringing, self-doubt, lack of skills, and misconceptions.

Core Principles of Assertive Communication

If you want to learn how to be more assertive in your role as a trainer, you’ll need to understand the core principles of assertiveness first. Let’s cover these core principles of assertive communication:

1. Honesty

This is your foundation for assertiveness.

Assertive communication is all about being truthful with yourself and others. It’s the courage to acknowledge and express your needs, feelings, and opinions openly and honestly, but also doing it in a way that’s respectful and kind.

2. Respect

Respect in communication safeguards the feelings and rights of everyone involved. Respecting people means valuing their perspectives and needs as much as your own.

When you communicate assertively, you’re essentially saying, “I respect myself enough to express my needs, and I respect you enough to listen to yours.”

3. Confidence

Confidence in assertive communication means believing in your right to express your thoughts and feelings. It’s not about boasting or being overbearing but about standing firm in your convictions and expressing yourself without wavering or apologising for your existence.

Confidence is contagious. It not only strengthens your message but also encourages others to open up around you.

4. Clarity

Be clear and specific about what you want, feel, or need.

Avoid vague statements that can be misinterpreted. Clarity cuts through the noise, making it easier for others to understand your perspective and respond appropriately. It’s like saying, “Here’s what I need, this is why I need it, and here’s what we can do we can make it work.”

5. Listening

Assertive communication isn’t just about talking; it’s equally about listening.

It involves giving others your full attention, showing empathy, and trying to understand their viewpoint.

Listening demonstrates that you value the other person’s input, setting the stage for open, respectful, and productive dialogue.

6. Body Language

Your non-verbal cues – like eye contact, posture, and facial expressions – should reinforce your words. Confident body language amplifies your message and shows you’re engaged in the conversation.

It’s about aligning what you say with how you say it, creating a powerful harmony that underscores your assertiveness.

How to be more assertive: 10 Quick & practical tips

1. Start Small

If the idea of assertiveness makes you sweat, start with low-stakes situations. Practice expressing your preferences about small things, like choosing a movie or a restaurant.

2. Use “I” Statements

Make it personal, in a good way. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when my ideas aren’t considered.”

3. Express Your Needs Clearly

Be as clear as a sunny day when you’re communicating your needs.

Don’t be vague and allow others to make assumptions about your needs – vocalise them.

“I need some help with this project to meet the deadline” is clearer than “I’m so swamped right now.”

4. Learn to Say No

Think of “no” as a complete sentence.

You don’t need to give a dissertation on why you can’t do something. A simple, “I’m sorry, I can’t commit to that right now,” is perfectly fine.

5. Practice Active Listening

Remember, it’s a two-way street. Show that you’re listening by nodding, making eye contact, and paraphrasing what the other person said, asking relevant and pertinent questions when necessary.

6. Stay Calm

Keep your cool, even if a conversation gets heated. Breathe deeply, speak slowly, and keep your tone steady.

If it helps, try to focus on ‘grounding’ yourself by standing in a neutral stance, really taking notice of the ground beneath your feet, remembering that you belong in the moment and your needs are important.

7. Prepare and Rehearse

Anticipate and practice for situations where you need to be assertive. Think of possible scenarios and how you’d respond (just like doing a dress rehearsal before the big show!)

8. Reflect on Your Progress

After an assertive interaction, take a moment to reflect on how it went. What worked? What didn’t?

9. Seek Feedback

Don’t be shy to ask for feedback from trusted friends, family or professional colleagues.

It’s OK to ask for directions if you’re not sure whether you’re on the right path or travelling in the right direction.

10. Give Yourself Grace

Remember, assertiveness is a skill that takes time to develop. There will be bumps along the road, and that’s okay.

Our Assertiveness Workshop

Our workshop provides lots of tips and techniques for communicating effectively, please join us online on the 26^th April 9.30-12.00pm.